My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
