my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
