Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
