I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
