Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
