It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
