just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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