Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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