The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
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Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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