so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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