Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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