My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
