and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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