who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
