I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
