look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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