the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
