I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
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