you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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