I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
