I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize