wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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