There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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