I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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