i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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