woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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