Did you just see the Batmobile???
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
