I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
