i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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