So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
