I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
