I feel great
I just peed on a car
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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