the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
