I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
