Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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