The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
