I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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