I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
