The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
