My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
