Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
