ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
