Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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