Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
