I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
