dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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