I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
