Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
