The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
