OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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