New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
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