You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You are a genius and a whore.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
