Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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