She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
