apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My liver is preforming stress tests.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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