well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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