I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
