Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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