first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
