I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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