I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
