I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
