Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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