Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
How does one acquire holy water?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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